The Need To Control

Why do some of us feel the need to control the actions of others? Many of our behaviors in adulthood are created from the messages handed down to us in childhood. If a child grows up in an environment where he believes he must control the actions of others in order to feel safe then control is linked to survival. If an action is linked to survival then this action becomes incorporated deep within the child’s belief system. In reality, a child can’t control his or her environment but if there is chaos in the family system the child begins to believe if (s)he doesn’t control others something bad will happen. Perception and reality gets distorted here.

When I want everyone to think and act the way I want them to, I am setting myself up for failure and resentments. Whether this belief is imagined or real the outcome produces an adult who needs to control others in order for things to go right. In essence the adult doesn’t trust any process that he or she doesn’t control. A person that tries to control everything seldom enjoys life.

The problem is that control is a learned behavior in childhood and any learned behavior can become difficult to change. This is a coping mechanism that can’t sustain itself and one that is not a popular behavior to those around them in adulthood. In order to let go of control the person needs to have faith that things will be okay if control is given up.

The first step in letting go of control is to build self-awareness. The individual needs to separate imagined fears from real fears. Usually this can’t be done alone unless the person allows others to help sort this out. This is where it becomes a WE process, not a ME process. Trusting others becomes vital if one is to let go of control. Can I trust someone else to guide me through this and can I live with the fear and pain associated when I let go of something that I need to control?

The one who suffers the most is the person who believes that without controlling the situation something bad will happen. When we try to control everything we usually find out that we enjoy nothing.