Are You Sabotaging Your Own Happiness?

Many of us are so afraid of intimacy that we sabotage the happiness in our lives. There’s just no denying that no matter how complex and scary the world gets today we can still be our own worst enemy. We subconsciously push loved ones away, yet deep inside there’s a voice screaming for closeness. Intimacy awakens powerful feelings in all of us, both positive and negative. We may feel love, warmth, closeness, but intimacy may also awaken fear, anxiousness. This can serve to sabotage a relationship. Remember Intimacy means into me which implies becoming emotionally vulnerable with each other. Before you can do this you need to build self-awareness in order to understand what may need to be fixed within you. Do I expect more from my partner than they can give me, or am I afraid to ask my partner for the nurturing I deserve. Here are some key ingredients needed to improve your relationship.

Safe communications with each other is the foundation that the house rests on. Without a solid foundation the house will fall. Creating an environment for safe communication is the most important element in a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship both parties need to discuss the ways to communicate with each other in a safe way. If not they will become victims to each other and neither party will be able to hear the other’s concerns. The rules may be that neither party will rage at the other or withdraw emotionally. The challenges to these rules must be negotiated. Can you share your feelings with your partner even if your partner disagrees with you? Can you hear each other’s concerns or do you become a victim to each other.

Secondly, we need to understand that relationships are not always 50/50. In a healthy relationship both parties understand there are times where one partner needs to contribute more to the relationship than the other. What may come easy to one may not be easy to the other and this is okay as long as it’s not the same partner that does all the giving.

Next become aware of the version of intimacy each of you received in your childhood. For instance, I ask people what intimacy looked like for them when they were children. Were their parents warm and close with each other or was intimacy something to avoid? Were their parents supportive towards each other, discussing their problems, even if they disagreed, or were they constantly blaming each other. We all bring these messages into our relationships. The more we understand this the easier it is to change the negative messaging that may be handed down in your relationship.

Also, become aware of the time traveling process. This is where we confuse the voices from our childhood with those in our lives today. For instance, we may be very sensitive to criticism by our partner because we were judged harshly in our childhood. When criticized it awakens old feelings and messages which will distort our ability to hear our partner and to share our feelings as well. We are not only in a relationship with our partner but also in a relationship with our partners childhood messages as well.

Many times each party needs to ask themselves, DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT TO BE CLOSE? In a healthy relationship both partners know when to relinquish the need to be right in your conversations with your partner and instead choose closeness by listening instead. When the significant other feels listened to, then they feel important. When you improve your listening skills, many times you will find your partner will also listen more to you and make you feel important as well. This will also increase the chances that you will get lucky in the bedroom as well.

You can also help your partner in those areas in their life where they don’t expect help. The key is to help them without expecting a cookie in return, just do the next right action. For instance, helping with household chores, or asking the kids to help out as well can make your partner feel valued. When clients come to me they complain about all kinds of things. This is an action of love. Doing an action that is important to them even when it doesn’t feel important to us.

The bottom line is we all want the same thing. Both partners want to feel like they matter to the other person, that they are important. Think of the ways you can make the relationship better without focusing on your partners shortcomings.

Finally be aware of your Inner Critic-If you have an inner critic, that inner voice constantly telling you what you’ve done wrong, never allowing you to celebrate your victories, you will give that inner critic to those around you. The answer is you need to work on silencing that inner voice or that voice will sabotage your intimacy. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourselves. If you work on that relationship your interpersonal relationships will improve as well.

Thomas Gagliano MSW
Life mentor, published author, “The Problem Was Me”
www.theproblemwasme.com   732-266-4952