Coping with Holiday Stress – Thomas Gagliano

Coping with Holiday Stress

No Difference Between Bullying and Drama
February 12, 2013
Focus On the Leader
January 16, 2014
No Difference Between Bullying and Drama
February 12, 2013
Focus On the Leader
January 16, 2014

The holidays are a wonderful time of year for many of us, but they can also produce a great deal of stress. Running from store to store, managing your finances, dealing with overindulged children and communicating with parents, in-laws and stubborn family members all contribute to rising holiday stress levels. Even before all of this occurs, there can be stress in determining which family you should spend the holidays with.

There is also the stress created when we go back to our family of origin and the roles we were set up to play by our family. For example, how many of us play the role of the PEOPLE PLEASER – where we say yes to family and friends because saying no is too painful? What inner voice tells you that you’re a bad person when you say no to others? Who is the CARETAKER – Where we carry the burden of the family’s problems on your shoulders because it’s your role to take care of everything and everyone? What inner voice makes you feel so guilty when asking for help? What about the PERFECTIONIST – Were you allowed to make mistakes in front of your family? God forbid the family sees you stumble at times. When you made a mistake did you identify yourself as a mistake? Do you play a DEFIANT ROLE –This is where you always have to be right with family members even if it pushes them away? What inner voice tells you that you need to be right even if you push loved ones away? Who plays the INVISIBLE ROLE- When you return home do you to lose your voice and disappear with family members unable to share feelings with them?

There are three essentials needed to change your role. Awareness, Action, and Maintenance. WITHOUT AWARENES YOU WON’T UNDERSTAND THE WAYS TO CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS, WITHOUT ACTION THERE WON’T BE NEWER ROLES TO MAINTAIN.

  1. Grow in awareness- Why do I act the way I do? What are the payoffs for my actions and what are the costs? The more I grow in awareness the easier it becomes to change my behaviors. I learn how to say no to this voice in my head that tells me I’m a bad person if I don’t play a certain role.
  2. Take positive actions-First, don’t react to situations or you’ll just do what you’ve always done. Instead, when confronted with a bad situation pause and solicit the help of others before you take action. This is where it becomes a “we” process and not a “me” process. These are the people in your life you feel safe with. Those that understand and support that you’re trying to change your role. Remember these individuals are there to support you, not judge you.
  3. Maintain these actions – If you don’t continue to maintain these new behaviors that intrusive voice will grow louder directing you back to old behaviors.

Remember, the most important relationship we have in life is the one we have with our self. If we are not taking care of that relationship, we will sabotage all of the relationships around us. If we seek approval from those that are incapable of giving us what we deserve, then we will only find rejection and disappointment. Instead, we need to spend our time with people we feel emotionally safe with; those individuals with whom we can share our feelings without feeling judged, we deserve this. BECOME THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, NOT THE ONE YOU WERE SET UP TO BE.

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