The Lonely Life Of The Addict – Thomas Gagliano

The Lonely Life Of The Addict

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Many of us know someone whose life has been decimated by addictions. Whether they are family or friends, we ask ourselves why do they turn away love or help when it is offered. Recently we have seen the tragic death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Addiction is a hog. It steals the person’s family and friends. It demands it all. The person loses themselves, believing they are in control when the reality is the addiction controls them. To understand why this happens, we must first understand what the real problem is and the distorted thinking that takes place in the addicts mind.

First of all the addiction is not the problem, it’s a misguided solution. For example, trying to get someone to stop their obsessive drinking without probing why they drink will only get them to switch addictions. They may stop the drinking but eventually they will go to another faulty escape mechanism such as gambling, drugs or over eating to numb their pain. The drinking isn’t the problem but rather a false solution to numb what the real problem is. The real problem is the addict has an inner wound of defectiveness, created in childhood. They distortedly believe the addiction serves as a way to make this pain go away. Without addressing the pain created by the wound, nothing will have a long term affect. We see people the way they project themselves from the outside. An addicts outside and insides don’t match, they are fragmented. They may appear to have it all but that inner damage will eventually sabotage their happiness.

After a while the addiction becomes oxygen to the addict, they believe they can’t exist without it. When they try to stay sober, they go through a process similar to what others go through when they lose a loved one. The addict actually grieves the loss of their addiction. This remains with them and if they stay sober they may find acceptance for the power their addiction has over them. The more they accept they’re powerless the better chance they have to continue sobriety.

When this wound of defectiveness is triggered by an uncomfortable feeling in their life, the recovering addict must make a crucial decision. They either bring this pain to the surface by talking about their pain with those they are emotionally safe with or they go into isolation. Isolation is and was a very comfortable yet toxic place for the addict. When they come out of isolation self-righteousness and destructive entitlement usually pursue. Destructive entitlement is a process where the addict gives themselves permission to act in ways regardless of the harm it causes themselves or others.

The solution to solicit the help of others is blocked by two obstacles. One is the addict has been given a message early on that if they trust others they will be judged very harshly. The reality is they are their own worst enemy and it is their self-judgment that they project on others. This segways into the next obstacle and that is the addict doesn’t trust any process that they are not in control of. They’ve grown up with fear and abandonment, and these two characteristics create a need to control the situation, believing something bad will happen if they don’t. Only when they build enough self- awareness to admit their best thinking isn’t working, will they be willing to allow others in.

Willingness with addicts must come from two places. The willingness to allow help in and then the willingness to take direction from those that are there to help them. However in order to do this they need to acquire blind faith. Taking direction by doing what you’re told to do even when your best thinking tells you not too. If they can find this kind of willingness then they will address the real problem, their wound of defectiveness. First the action, and then the belief will change. The belief that they can trust again and that there are those who will take their hand and nurse them to health.

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